The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
