Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
