And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I miss vodka workout Fridays
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
