If you die in college, do you die in real life?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
