summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
