found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You ate ashes out of my bong
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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