If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
