Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
