theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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