Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
