Ambien. No doubt about it.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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