I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
