so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize