Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
