Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
