And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
