You're so nebulous sometimes
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
