I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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