Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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