I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
