You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
