Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
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