Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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