I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
