God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
