in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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