my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
