So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
