NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
