i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
