Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
