just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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