I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
