I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
