U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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