All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
