Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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