Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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