Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You have to summon your inner elephant
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
