you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
