i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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