Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
