I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
