Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
