They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
