i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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