So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
