we're blogging at a bar
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
