I molested 6 butterflies tonight
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
