I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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