my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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