is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
