forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
