So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
