i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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