oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
