I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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