P.S. I can't hear my feet
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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