Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
