just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
