I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
