I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
