beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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