You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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