My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
