im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
