too bad you live with your parents still
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Randomize
