you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
