i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I wish I only lived at night.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
