My friends, they love my intelligence
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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