Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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