I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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