I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Text me some of your sweat
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
