as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
