Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
