i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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